November 2010
“I never smoked. I never drank and I never took drugs. The funny thing is,...”
– Karl Lagerfeld
“My daughter was asked by a little old lady in a London hotel restaurant what her...”
– Johnny Depp (via wonkaschocolatefactory)
Drunk Suicide Texts
So this is me talking to one of the most illiterate and annoying drunken asshats i've ever met.
Him: So wanna hear so shit?
Me: sure
Him: I'm so drunk!
Me: neat
Him: I'm crying. I wannna die. I hate myself
Me: ...why?
Him: I'm a loser don't you see it
You: no i just think you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself to realize how untrue that statement is.
Him: No I'm not sorry for my self I hurt so many people for no reason!
Me: everyone fucks up and everyone makes mistakes. it's the same way for millions of people.
Him: I don't wanna die!
Me: you just said you did...were you just saying that for attention
Him: No I do but I don't. I'm torn and confused and are stupid.
Me: really, cause to me it just seems like you're drunk and craving attention
Him: No I want to just fix everything that's wrong. How?
Me: how the fuck should i know? i don't know what's wrong in your life. i've known you for less than a month...
Him: I tell you everything!
Me: if that's true then, a) you need more friends, and b) i honestly have no idea what you're talking about when you say that you've hurt so many people and that your life is terrible.
Him: I'm a fucking retard. I'm sorry I make horrible choices. I'm annoying you!
Me: yeah, you are. go drink some orange juice and go to bed.
Him: I didn't mean to get drunk I just didn't know what to do man
Me: nut up and face your problems. and since you seem to be too much of a pussy to execute such a task, SHUT THE FUCK UP
Him: I just don't know how I don't wanna be lonely anymore!
Me: then find someone! or get a fucking cat. i really don't care which one, just quit crying like a bitch and leave me out of it.
Him: My dog got hit by a car and died
Me: i'm sorry to hear that, but if you were depending on a dog for happiness then you've got issues that i'm not sure i can help you with and you should STOP TALKING TO ME, and check into a mental institution
Him: I fick up with people to much. Are you saying I need to adept my self?
Me: No, you need to learn how to spell first, then you need to learn not to be so self centered. THEN you can work on the lonely thing by actually looking for someone.
Him: Like a gf?
Me: sure, go find one.
Him: I have to find what?
Me: like wtf why is this so hard for you?? i know your drunk or whatever but this is beyond inebriated stupor. this is like legit RETARDED. i can't even listen to this.
Him: I love you.
Me: I'm changing my phone number.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving...”
– Albert Einstein
“I think we have all experienced passion that is not in any sense reasonable. ”
– Stephen Fry
“When I get stuck counting backwards from 1000 I know I’m ready to tweet.”
– (via clubsilence)
